Sunday, January 22, 2006

THE WHITE STUFF

Last night, I fell asleep in Tokyo. This morning, I awoke in Winter Wonderland.



I love the snow. If it's going to be cold, it might as well snow. There is only one situation in which I don't love the snow, and that is when your credit card company calls you the night before, saying that they will gain ownership of your a** and your first-born if you don't come to their offices and pay up tomorrow. Technically, I don't have a first-born, and as for my a**, there's enough to go around. But being an upstanding member of society and - let's face it - a grownup, I vowed compliance.

Actually, disregard what I just said about being a grownup. I was positively gleeful as I pulled on my trusty Uggs and every last knitted item I own. I'll take any excuse to stomp around in the snow.

The novelty wore off quickly. IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE IN THIS POST, READ THIS: Uggs were not made for snow. They weren't. Even though they look like they were made from skinned abominable snowman. No. Treads. At. All. In case you're wondering, I didn't fall and break anything. It's just that when your a** is on the line, you don't want to be stuck mincing and shuffling all the way to the station. I was feeling rather like Alpine Sayuri.

I did get to the credit card offices well before they closed, surprisingly. I stalked up to their automatic credit payment machine (yes, in the absence of snow, I stalk; and yes, I had to go to their offices, where their employees work, to use a machine). Anyway, to make a stupid story short, the machine ate my card.

You'd think someone there would be able to fish it out, but no. Apparently, there is a Credit Card Rescue Company that exists for this very reason; a company which, of course, is located in a neighboring country and staffed by primitive peoples originating from a tropical island.

In the 2 hours it took the Card-Fisher-Outer to figure out a.) what the white stuff was, b.) how to operate the mechanical enigma known as a car c.) a way in which B could safely be navigated in A, I decided I was having a bad day. I sent a summary of the latest situation to my designated b*tch-text receiver:

MACHINE ATE MY CREDIT CARD. 2 HRS TO MACHINE AUTOPSY. PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. GOT NOTHING DONE. HATE EVERYTHING.

To which she replied:

they are trying to confiscate your card because you never pay your bill on time. they are probably all huddled behind the machine trying to figure out what to do next.

Touche. But must I endure such abuse from everyone on a day like this? Oh, and did I mention I thought I won the DVD player sweepstakes from a few months back this morning, when I got a special delivery... and they had given me a consolation prize of Avon perfume? I also realized that finances are way tighter than estimated in my prima facie assessment, and that's enough to ruin anyone's day.

So the point, finally, is this. Boredom and irritation forced me to spend 5000JPY on groceries (like frozen pastry dough, shredded cheese, and boxes of chocolate-covered banana cream shaped like miniature Chiquitas) and ended up having a one-woman sugar orgy at 10 p.m.

I sure feel better knowing I'll wake up tomorrow with even less money and a bigger a** yet.





2 Comments:

Blogger teahouse said...

Uggs are the ugliest thing I've ever seen. They're fugly. They're horrendous. How did they get popular? And they look cheap.

I hate the women in Manhattan who walk around them. And there are a lot of them.

4:32 PM  
Blogger e! said...

Easy there, Tiger...

Didn't realize people were still wearing them in Manhattan - thought everyone shelved them when they were deemed uncool.

Don't ever try on a pair though - you might not be able to resist once you do!! (Trust me - this is how all of us get hooked!)

5:00 PM  

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