Saturday, January 07, 2006


<THE ETTA LIST of the 5 best free online horoscopes, check here.>>

One of my all-time favourite astrologers, Carolyn Reynolds (author of the amazing Book Of Lovers), has given me an undeniably positive horoscope for 2006:

Later this year you enter a new phase and find that you get the chance to make fresh starts and reach for the moon. This year will be one of your most memorable ones. You are lucky beyond belief. Is your sweet starving soul mate really an heir?

Does the last sentence mean that I'll meet a nice, skinny guy with money? Come to think of it, a psychic told me last year that I am destined to meet my soul mate at 30. He told me to look for a skinny, younger guy with an attitude problem. Yah. Really looking forward to meeting him.

And now, for your personality profile according to your sun sign (I swear I didn't write these):

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned Communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Any of this ring true? I'm a Libra, and, well, I thought it was funny.


Blogger Yu-Ching said...

Hey there!
Your horoscope sounds great, especially the last sentence =) Hmmm, did you actually order this reading or did you get it off somewhere? By the way, I am an aquarius... "You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk." Hmmm, I hope not...

5:01 AM  
Blogger e! said...

Hey Yu-Ching!
I got my horoscope from Carolyn Reynolds' site. Click on the link in the post, and then click on "Monthly Horoscopes". I'm sure it won't be quite as harsh as the other horoscope I had posted (which I think is originally Adam Sandler...??)!

3:39 PM  

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