Wednesday, July 12, 2006

THERE ARE NO PRISONERS IN ROACH WARS

Last night, as I was surfing the Net in bed, I caught something zooming into the 2 nanometer space under my mattress.

Oh yes. It was a big motherfu#$er of a cockroach. The shiny, brown herald of summer. *

To make a long story short, I freaked out and slept on the couch in the living room. Due to the fact that I did not even get close to my non-negotiable 8 hours of sleep, as well as the thought that vermin are multiplying in my domain every second that I am not spraying pesticide, I am in quite the funk.

In the morning, red eyes rimmed with blue-black circles, I stomped straight to the pharmacy to get some of the most vicious roach-killers money could buy. I got two cans of spray and 2 boxes of really evil-looking pesticide boxes, designed to adhere to dark corners in problem areas.

I came home and read the usage instructions for the little parcels of death, which delicately described the product's two-fold efficacy:

"When the roach eats the pesticide in the box, it will die. If it doesn't, it will return to its nest and die there, after which the other roaches will eat the contaminated corpse and its refuse. This will kill the others."

I know I asked for vicious, but I started wondering about my karma. Could there be any worse way to die? It's like I'm running my own private Gitmo. Everyone who has used this product in this life will probably pay in their next by coming back as a roach.

Euuuughhh. Oh well. I'm using it anyway.


*According to my friend Jeffy, it's the small ones you need to worry about. The big ones, he says, are "transient". He would know. He's a native New Yorker.

6 Comments:

Blogger teahouse said...

OMG..sorry but my stomach is hurting from laughing. Were those instructions for real? That's hilarious!!

Anyway, I'm weird because I'm not scared of roaches at all, but i'm terrified of furry rodents like mice. Euwwww. For some reason, something warm-blooded with a heartbeat scurrying around my kitchen is more creepy to me than a little bug with an exoskeleton that I can just crush.

12:15 PM  
Blogger e! said...

Trust me, I freaked out with just as much vigor when I locked eyes with a black Tube rat in my London flat. (The one above the Thai whorehouse that I mentioned elsewhere in this blog).

As for the instructions, it's been translated and somewhat paraphrased by yours truly... But that was the gist of it.

Crazy, huh?

2:01 PM  
Blogger Sarah Marchildon said...

Oh my god. This post has me totally freaked out. I'm moving to a town near Kochi in less than a month and my biggest fear has nothing to do with not speaking the language or being socially isolated or having no friends...it's COCKROACHES! Please tell me that Japan is not infested with cockroaches. Please! Cockroaches are the only thing in life that truly terrify me. Well, mabye centipedes too.

1:25 AM  
Blogger e! said...

Wow! The author of the famed Hollywood North Report is moving to Kochi!?!

Japan's not infested with roaches, but wherever you are in this country, they at least make a cameo during the summer months.

(If you come in August, there will be maybe 2 months of roach season left.)

The good news is that there is no shortage of uber vicious antidotes to the problem - lethal weapons that will KILL 'EM DEAD.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Sarah Marchildon said...

I'll be stocking up on all the lethal weapons I can get my hands on! And, yes, I'm moving to Kochi to teach English (what else?) for a year.

3:02 AM  
Blogger Sarah Marchildon said...

Also...I'll be living in a town about 30 km west of Kochi...Know anything about the area? (sorry, that's a little bit off topic)

5:43 AM  

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